My son is learning to shower:
6: how much shampoo do I use?
Me: the size of a pea.
(Hears pump after pump being shot out of the jug)
Me: how much did you use? Sounds like a lot.
6: have you ever seen how much I pee in the morning?
— Mommy Narrated (@MommyNarrated) September 13, 2018
*Overheard conversation between 2nd grade boys*
“Do you think you’ll ever fall in love?”
“I don’t know. I think if she likes pancakes, then probably.”
— hallie (@hallierb) March 9, 2018
My 4-y/o daughter tried to jam me up today.
Kid: Mommy, why is your bra in daddy's car?
The Mrs hit me wit a killer side eye. She ain't been in my car in weeks
Me: Ain't no bra in my car!!
Kid: Ya huh, cup thingie with straps
*we all go to garage & look in car* pic.twitter.com/3c4kItwnZO
— AngryMan (@AngryManTV) June 27, 2018
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 20, 2018
Just learned our 9y/o did an experiment on us. Lost tooth, told no one for 3d, kept tooth under his pillow. No $. Then he tells us he lost the tooth, next night there is money under his pillow. Then confronted us with his scientific evidence that the tooth fairy isn't real.
— Rogue Dad, M.D. (@RogueDadMD) April 23, 2018
Yesterday in the park I saw a toddler screaming “BAD DOG” at a goose & I can’t stop thinking about it
— Sophie Mackintosh (@fairfairisles) May 23, 2018
4-year-old: Why do we have to wear shoes?
Me: They protect your feet.
4: No, they trap your feet. *whispers* They’re feet traps.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 7, 2019
Random guy: *honks at me for taking too long to pull out of my parking space* MOVE YOUR CAR, LADY!
My 4-year-old: *rolls down her window* HEY!!! YOU CAN’T TELL MY MOM WHAT TO DO! YOU’RE NOT HER KID!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 31, 2018
i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 9, 2018
I generally think of myself as an okay father but somehow I forgot to teach my two year old son what an owl was and he thought it was called a wood penguin
— Gevalt-left (@crookedroads770) June 10, 2018
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
— Carlie V (@Carlie_Veenhuis) June 22, 2018
Me: "Who got pee on the floor?"
5y.o: "Wait- did you say the floor or the wall?"
5: "Oh- not me, then."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 24, 2019
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
— Nik ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (@jacaristar) August 25, 2018