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As parents, it’s imperative we pay more attention to our kids. They’re the best source for tweets.
— Deady Romano (@SuperApple80) September 21, 2018
I'm the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 26, 2017
My husband and I shouted at the kids to go back to bed at the same time and that’s the closest we’ve come to a date night in weeks.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) September 13, 2018
The 4 yr old is wandering the house in a life jacket, crying b/c it's clipped. He also cried when I unclipped it.
We don't even own a boat.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 18, 2017
Follow my crafty mommy blog for great projects such as Pile of Books in Corner and Wrinkled Mass of Unfolded Clothes in Other Corner.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) April 12, 2017
Well, my 9 year old “forgot” to wear underwear to school again today and I think that pretty much sums up how effective I am at parenting.
— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) September 18, 2018
My house is a mess and so am I. If you’re into clean spaces and children who don’t scream, there’s nothing here for you.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) August 15, 2018
Daughter: "Look Mommy, that nice man in the car next to us is waving to you..but with one finger."
Me: "Awe how sweet, okay kids altogether now, let's wave back to him the same way."
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) September 24, 2018
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 22, 2014
It’s like a game of Marco Polo, except it’s my kids yelling “Mom” and me yelling “I’m in the bathroom.”
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) September 25, 2018
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don't know I haven't really thought about it
— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) September 24, 2018
Other moms: “I got so much accomplished this weekend. It feels good to start the week organized!”
Me: “Cool. I watched 15 Hallmark movies & I wore the same outfit all weekend.”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 15, 2018
when your toddler is irrationally attached to random household objects and you have to go in public and people give you strange looks and you're like, "Yes, I know my child is holding a whisk, shampoo bottle, a queen size fitted sheet, the dog's brush and a tap shoe. It's fine."
— Mother Haggard (@MotherHaggard) September 5, 2018
We were in church and I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed “I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG” and now I need a new church.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) December 15, 2017
"TODAY I TELLED MY CLASS HOW SOMETIMES MY FARTS SMELL LIKE BURNT TOAST," said my son, the poster child for Teachers Don't Make Enough Money.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 10, 2017
I almost just said "Calm your tits" to my 3yo. Thanks, Twitter.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 14, 2013
That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 14, 2017
*screaming in agony after my son jumps on my stomach*
Him: Do you need medicine?
Me: Yes, birth control. But it's too late.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) September 24, 2018
Screen time? My whole family is invested in helping my youngest finish seven seasons of her show before it leaves Netflix on Thursday. She’s on season six. Everybody is feeling the push, but we know she can do it.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) August 29, 2018
Not to brag, but my kids just went 10 hours without electronics. It was from 9pm to 7am, but still.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 10, 2018
Me: Do that thing I like
Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 9, 2018
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 5, 2017
What the fuck is this?
-me every time I walk into my kids' room
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) September 18, 2018
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request "tell me a story"
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
— Healthy Living for Hot Messes (@HLFHM) September 21, 2018
What I thought I would say as a parent:
"You are going to change the world."
What I say as a parent:
"Stop licking the window."
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 2, 2017