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The most “Shawshank Redemption” story you’ll hear today:
My younger son tries to sneak sugar packets out of restaurants and eat them in the car. We’ve taken to checking his pockets, so he stuffed five of them in a hollowed-out breadstick. pic.twitter.com/F81jQuvW7g
— Peter Hartlaub (@peterhartlaub) August 21, 2018
Me: who keeps texting you?
11 yo niece: it’s her boyfriend
9 yo niece: he’s not my boyfriend I just keep him around bc he has a pet turtle
— HAUNTigula (@huntigula) September 3, 2018
My 7yo daughter: someone at camp said girls aren’t tough.
Me: what did you say to that?
My 7yo, who has had a loose tooth for over a week: I pulled out my tooth in front of him and he stopped talking to me. #parenting
— Katie Cook (@katiecandraw) August 24, 2018
My 7 year old told me his butt is “glorious” and “made in New York.” Also, he learned how to change Netflix profile names. pic.twitter.com/vF4lJId6N7
— Craig Silverman (@CraigSilverman) June 26, 2018
4yr old: Sorry I farted
Me: Do you need to go potty?
4yr old: No, sometimes I fart because I’m watching a great show or movie, or I’m having a great day.
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) August 19, 2018
Putting 4yo daughter to bed, telling her I’m going to St. Louis…
A: “Who are the Cardinals playing?”
Me: “The Cleveland Indians…”
A: “That’s the team you play for?”
Me: “No, no, no. I don’t play. I watch the game and write a story about it.”
A: [laughs HARD] “Why??”
— Jordan Bastian (@MLBastian) June 25, 2018
My son just traded a chicken tender to my daughter in exchange for a bite of burger and now they're quietly chanting “Meat for meat.”
— Paul Ford (@ftrain) March 17, 2018
Walked into my kids' room and my 5yo son grabs my 9yo daughter and whispers, "Don't move. Their vision is based on movement."
— Elias Toufexis (@EliasToufexis) June 18, 2018
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 6 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
My four year old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys… I knew it.”
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) February 8, 2018
One of my 6 year olds started crying today and when I asked why she said, “I don’t wanna grow up because I can’t bake, I can only make cereal, and furniture is expensive”
— syd (@sydneyreneec) July 10, 2018
Teacher to my son after he gets in trouble: “I’m going to have to call your mom.”
Son: “Don’t call her.”
Teacher: “Sorry but I have to.”
Son: “No I’m serious. Don’t call her. She doesn’t answer her phone. You have to text her.”
— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) March 12, 2018
Small child in signing queue: Why are you writing YOUR name in MY book?
Me: That's the book I wrote. I was going to sign it for you
Child: It's MINE
Me: OK. Shall I write your name?
Child. Yes. Then *I* will sign it
— Abie Longstaff (@AbieLongstaff) June 17, 2018
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
— David Juurlink (@DavidJuurlink) August 12, 2018