1.
The most “Shawshank Redemption” story you’ll hear today:
My younger son tries to sneak sugar packets out of restaurants and eat them in the car. We’ve taken to checking his pockets, so he stuffed five of them in a hollowed-out breadstick. pic.twitter.com/F81jQuvW7g— Peter Hartlaub (@peterhartlaub) August 21, 2018
2.
Me: who keeps texting you?
11 yo niece: it’s her boyfriend
9 yo niece: he’s not my boyfriend I just keep him around bc he has a pet turtle
— HAUNTigula (@huntigula) September 3, 2018
3.
My 7yo daughter: someone at camp said girls aren’t tough.
Me: what did you say to that?
My 7yo, who has had a loose tooth for over a week: I pulled out my tooth in front of him and he stopped talking to me. #parenting
— Katie Cook (@katiecandraw) August 24, 2018
4.
My 7 year old told me his butt is “glorious” and “made in New York.” Also, he learned how to change Netflix profile names. pic.twitter.com/vF4lJId6N7
— Craig Silverman (@CraigSilverman) June 26, 2018
5.
*Watching tv*
4yr old: Sorry I farted
Me: Do you need to go potty?
4yr old: No, sometimes I fart because I’m watching a great show or movie, or I’m having a great day.
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) August 19, 2018
6.
Putting 4yo daughter to bed, telling her I’m going to St. Louis…
A: “Who are the Cardinals playing?”
Me: “The Cleveland Indians…”
A: “That’s the team you play for?”
Me: “No, no, no. I don’t play. I watch the game and write a story about it.”
A: [laughs HARD] “Why??”— Jordan Bastian (@MLBastian) June 25, 2018
7.
My son just traded a chicken tender to my daughter in exchange for a bite of burger and now they're quietly chanting “Meat for meat.”
— Paul Ford (@ftrain) March 17, 2018
8.
Walked into my kids' room and my 5yo son grabs my 9yo daughter and whispers, "Don't move. Their vision is based on movement."
— Elias Toufexis (@EliasToufexis) June 18, 2018
9.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" comes out in 6 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
10.
My four year old is watching Toy Story for the first time ever and he just whispered to himself, “Alive toys… I knew it.”
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) February 8, 2018
11.
One of my 6 year olds started crying today and when I asked why she said, “I don’t wanna grow up because I can’t bake, I can only make cereal, and furniture is expensive”
Literally me
— syd (@sydneyreneec) July 10, 2018
12.
Teacher to my son after he gets in trouble: “I’m going to have to call your mom.”
Son: “Don’t call her.”
Teacher: “Sorry but I have to.”
Son: “No I’m serious. Don’t call her. She doesn’t answer her phone. You have to text her.”
— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) March 12, 2018
13.
Small child in signing queue: Why are you writing YOUR name in MY book?
Me: That's the book I wrote. I was going to sign it for you
Child: It's MINE
Me: OK. Shall I write your name?
Child. Yes. Then *I* will sign it— Abie Longstaff (@AbieLongstaff) June 17, 2018
14.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) August 26, 2018
15.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
— David Juurlink (@DavidJuurlink) August 12, 2018
16.
https://twitter.com/PurestInNoSense/status/977357123188416513?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.buzzfeed.com%2Fcaseyrackham%2F16-kids-who-are-smarter-and-better-than-all-of-us
Lees ook: Te grappig! Deze oudertweets heb je even nodig om heel hard te lachen
