Vader van vier(!) dochters? Zo ziet dat eruit

1. Een tweeling betekent: alles in tweevoud kopen. Anders krijg je ruzie, jaloezie en vechtpartijen.

Seeing as sharing isn’t in a child’s vocabulary, we’ve had to buy duplicates of everything, but we’ve managed to make this into a learning opportunity of sorts. Feeling somewhat unappreciated , we felt it was important to give them a taste of the work load we get crushed under on daily basis so they could grasp just how hard it can be. The answer? Much like schools that hand out crying baby dolls to teenagers to scare them shitless of procreating before they’re old enough to drive, we gave each of them twins to look after. The experiment collapsed after 7 minutes. During that time Ottie seems to shrink, aged considerably & suffered a breakdown of epic proportions that no road side assistance could fix. Welcome to my world girlfriend. Worryingly Delilah took it all in her stride. No boyfriends for her then. #thatwentbadly #shestheonetowatch #doubledoubletrouble #twins #thetwintwinexperiment #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

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Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 24 Nov 2017 om 12:47 PST

2. Wie houdt het langer vol: papa of de tweeling?

Cancel all the projects at CERN as I’ve found the source of unlimited energy. It’s my twins. They’re basically minature fisson reactors on legs that despite being played with vigorously for well over 45 minutes, showed no sign of letting up. As parents you know it’s essential to tire them out towards the end of the day to order for them to sleep well, but this process is like walking on a tight rope made of razor blades ready ripe to the ribbons. Go too far and run the risk of knackering them too quickly, meaning your stuck with a grouchy toddler who has perfected making your life misery, don’t go far enough and your left with children that round round the bedroom like in althetics track made of hot coals. When you get it right it’s glorious, when you get it wrong, carving out my own eyes with a blunt object is preferable. And yes that is a peppa pig hip hop remix in the background….. #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad #peppdoeshiphop #limitlessenergy #theenergycrisisisover #cancelcern

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 23 Nov 2017 om 12:45 PST

3. Er ligt een mooie carrière als goochelduo weggelegd voor deze tweeling

Continuing the long tradition of twins being used in magic, this morning I walked in on what I can only assume was a rehearsal for a later showing of the classic illusion that has wowed audiences the world over – ‘sawing a woman in half’. Ottie’s upper torso was poking up out of the discarded IKEA kitchen sink unit, while Delilah waved her hands wildly, shouting incoherent nonsense as if she was a shaman talking in tongues (david Copperfield is an amateur in comparison to this miniature showman). Then the secret of the trick was revealed as the door flung over to expose a pair of flailing legs and a sagging nappy. I’m sure they’ll have their membership credentials to the juniors magic circle revoked after this but it’s nice to know how things work sometimes. Practice makes perfect girls. Keep trying. #magictricksrevealed #sawninhalf #sinklife #alternativeusesforikeakitchens #thesegirlsaremagic #davidblanewho #justneededsodryicetocompleteit #twinsarealwaysusedinillusions #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 22 Nov 2017 om 12:49 PST

4. Hahaha, die koppies

It takes years to cultivate a close relationship with your children. We bend over backwards to do things they’ll enjoy & get them the things they want in the vein hope that one day we get somekind of a sign that they love us (beyond the occasional snotty kiss) in return for our efforts. Yet hand puppets seem to have to do next to nothing to win their affections. They’ve known this rabbit for all of 2 minutes & already they’re BFFs. I’m surprised the twins haven’t been online to buy one of those Elizabeth duke necklaces that 2 halves of a heart that says ‘4eva’ on them – 1 half for them, the other for this half rabbit / half book mutant. They seem to be blissfully unaware that it’s actually my hand in that rabbits rectum control it from within but to I get any credit? Do I hell. I should take my puppetry skills on tour, I’d make a killing on the toddler birthday circuit. #kidsentertainerwilltravelanfworkforbeer #puppetlove #handinarabbitbum #fickle #twins #handpuppet #loveisblind #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 20 Nov 2017 om 12:35 PST

5.De nieuwste trend: horizontaal opvoeden

Horizontal parenting is a favourite past time of mine between the hours of 6 & 8am. Need a sick patient to lie down & be examined? I’ve got you covered. Need a sleeping giant? I’m your man. Need a living trampoline to jump on? I’m begrudgingly on it (as the air is squeezed out of my chest cavity & start to wheeze like a geriatric overweight dog who thinks walks are beneath him). This time however, I assumed the role of living furniture as Ottie sat on me to get a better perspective on the bowl of multicoloured spaghetti I assumed she must be drawing. As a side note, I can’t help notice that my forehead is starting to look like a stack of thickly cut ham. The crevices between the folds are so deep I could hold a pen between each one of the 4 lines that each girl has generously given me so they can use me as a mobile stationery dispenser. Oh well, we all age & I’ll wear them as a badge of honour, after all I earnt them. #dadbadgeofhonour#pencilcaseforehead #humanfurniture #horizontalparenting #spaghettistilllife #bolloxtobotox #fatherofdaughters #instadad #fod #dadlife #parenting #twins

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 15 Nov 2017 om 12:05 PST

6. Uit eten met vier dochters is geen eenvoudige opgave

Eating out as a family of 6 is usually a fairly stressful event but just because we have 4 daughters shouldn’t mean we resign ourselves to being house bound & draw the curtains until they’re all over 18. Yes the overpriced carbonated drinks bought as a treat will be on the floor before we order food, and yes the highchairs that are obviously designed by people who hate parents will be used as soapboxes for the twins to shout from as they wave cultery around like a scene from brave heart. Yes, I will spend 60% of the time either chasing kids, escorting them to the window to see the view or apologising to fellow dinners as my magpie-like children go through their bags. Yes, our food will be cold & yes the floor will end up looking like ‘the upside down’ from Stranger Things, but when moments like these happen it makes it all worth while. #goinginforthekill #twins #mygirls #justrealisedclemmiepostedasimilarpicture #dam #teampixel #weshouldtalkmore #sundayroastbythesea #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 12 Nov 2017 om 12:39 PST

7. Kiek nou, wat een gezellig familiekiekje

Usually I’d spend time crafting a meandering witty story about the trials and tribulations of my family life and how when it’s your birthday as a parent Its impossible to blow out candles without child assistance or how you have to give up present opening rights to satisfy kids that love ripping open gifts even if the contents aren’t for them. I can’t write any of that as I’m running late for dinner with the birthday girl, so all I’ll say is happy birthday to the woman I love. @mother_of_daughters you’re one in a billion and you haven’t aged a day from the moment I met you. #iwroteitanywaydidnti #birthdaygirl #mygirl #fatherofdaughters #happybirthday #fod #dadlife #instadad #mod #mywifemylife

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 9 Nov 2017 om 12:49 PST

8. Het huis verlaten met iedereen aangekleed is een hele opgave

Having just been through my phone, I realised I hadn’t posted this before but it’s especially relevant now due to the miniature melt down that happened this morning as the exit routine collapsed. Leaving the house used to be easy – a basic “keys/ wallet/ phone” pat down & I was away – 5 seconds max. However when you have children, being stuck by lightning while winning the lottery, and then, as you get up, getting hit by a car driven my Brad Pitt and Noel Edmonds on a joyride is more likely than leaving on time. My theory is that for every child you add to your family, add a minimum 15 mins of faff time. In my case, that means planning to leave 1 whole hour before actually needing to go anywhere. Our main reasons for not leaving on time: an emergency wee despite not going when asked 10 minutes earlier, an inability to find shoes, hiding, a flat refusal to leave, missing USB cables and missing soft toys that have to carried everywhere or the world will end. Clemmies make up / hair drying. Got any others? #23minsisarecord #resignedtobeknownasthelateones #fafftime #lostliterallyyearsofmylifewaiting #necerleftontimeever #parentmaths #leavingthehouse #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 7 Nov 2017 om 1:08 PST

9. Ach, kijk nou wat lief!

Today was somewhat of a big day. With @mother_of_daughters leaving to bring new life into the world at 5am, I was left with all 4 girls on the 1st day of the big girls new school. After I dropping them off & trying to hold an adult conversation with a teacher while wrestling the twins who were behaving like trophy fish that refused to be landed, I went to kiss Anya and Marnie good bye & was met with the kind of face I used to pull when that granny with the small but very real moustache tried to kiss me when I was a kid before they slid a 50p into my hand as a thank you / pay off. I guess I’m just too much of an embarrassment these days. What did brighten my day was peering over the buggy on the way home to see the 2 people who have made a career out of competing in the ‘I can annoy you more’ sibling championships which involves hair pulling, toy mugging and stealing food literally from eachothers mouths were actually holding hands completely unprompted. I guess they saw their bigs sister go off & figured that they still need eachother. #embarrassingdad #whoneedsanyoneelsewhenyouhaveatwin #grannymoustache #holdinghands #twins #chillymorningwarmheart #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 6 Nov 2017 om 12:39 PST

10. Ah, de wintertijd, de leukste avond voor elke ouder

“I love it when the clocks change. With that extra hour bestowed on us, I get to embrace the day fully and maximise my productivity, while getting to experience this beautiful autumnal morning and listen to sweet morning chorus of my children playing and sharing nicely together before the sun rises ” said no parent of young children ever. Having just about adjusted back to UK time, this 3rd clock change in 4 days has completely thrown me off, to the point I now have no idea what day it is or who I am . What I do know is apparently it was my turn to do the early shift this morning as @mother_of_daughters decided to cash in her “I looked after them all while you were ‘on holiday’ ” points in return for a lie in, which I was over the moon about. The other thing I now know is that Ottie frankly lost her shit at the 60 minute adjustment today while Delilah took it in her stride – Finally, a difference I can remember. At least I’ll be able to tell them apart every 6 months or so. #itwasntaholiday! #fallback #daylightcravings #overtired #twins #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 29 Okt 2017 om 1:38 PDT

11. Bestaat er betere genezing dan een medische behandeling van een 1-jarige?

Seeing as I’m off to the US with work tomorrow (leaving @mother_of_daughters with the simple task of packing the house up while surrounded by 4 kids on half terms who’ve made successful careers out of focusing their energy on avoiding doing anything that resembles help) I thought it best to go for a check up with my local GP. Dr. Delilah was very young but I know the NHS in under budgetary constraints, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. That was until I realised that her remedy for all ailments was a direct bottle injection straight down the throat. Her eye test involved eye gouging & a reaction test that I failed dismally (see 25 secs in). For all other problems, the answer seemed to be to jump on me until all illness was forced out of me. I have a feeling she’s either a witch doctor or has been trained in medieval medicine. Either way I won’t be returning. #fittotravel #toddlerdoctor #directbottleinjection #fatherofdaughters #fod #instadad #dadlife

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 23 Okt 2017 om 12:43 PDT

Bron: Instagram

Lees ook: Haha! Vader geeft via Instagram een inkijkje in het leven met vier(!) dochters