My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.
— Jack Boot (@IamJackBoot) September 21, 2018
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
— Jesspacito (@mommajessiec) September 19, 2018
The attention and detail required to sneak anything nutritional into my child's diet makes it feel very similar to poisoning a king.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) September 19, 2018
[visiting my parents]
8: woah, check out this big ass CD
Me: that's a record
8: yea, a record for the biggest CD ever
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) September 20, 2018
Child: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me [tweezing my ear hairs after paying 42 credit card bills]: yeah it’s fantastic
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 15, 2018
[painting with my son]
Son: daddy did I do it right?
Me: son, this is art. There is no right or wrong, there’s just whoa what the fuck ok yeah that’s wrong
— The Dad (@thedad) September 19, 2018
Et tu, Scholastic? pic.twitter.com/8zYUjbqatF
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 21, 2018
My kid had to write a sentence with each of his spelling words today.
One of his spelling words is “father.”
He went with:
My father had diarrhea.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) September 21, 2018
Got the side eye from the PTA president for mentioning there should be an open bar at next week’s fundraiser.
Calm down Carol. It’s not like I said we should do shots.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) September 20, 2018
Someday 5 will be 15, and I'm waking him up at 4 in the morning to find my light saber.
— Jess (@Jessdaisy) September 21, 2018
When I was a kid, it was a great thrill to sneak ice cream when my parents had said I couldn’t have any. Now that I’m a parent, it’s a great thrill to sneak ice cream when I’ve said my kids can’t have any
— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) September 20, 2018
Goodnight Moon was written by a 5 year old stalling an inevitable bedtime.
— distracdad (@distracdad) September 19, 2018
What I say: It’s dinner time.
What my toddlers hear:
Fun as you know it can no longer be had. Now make your way to the table of ruin and eat mean things from this plate of indifference.
— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) September 18, 2018
My 5yo calls the school library “the librarium” and I will straight up murder whoever eventually corrects him.
— Kiersten White (@kierstenwhite) September 19, 2018
*Starts a GoFundMe to replace all the patience my kids have taken*
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 20, 2018
Other moms: “I got so much accomplished this weekend. It feels good to start the week organized!”
Me: “Cool. I watched 15 Hallmark movies & I wore the same outfit all weekend.”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 15, 2018
You'll know parents by the way they are compelled to point out any and all cows to anyone who happens to be in the car with them.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) September 17, 2018
Nothing like seeing a new dad at Disney World find out a Mickey shaped balloon with a glow stick in it is $35. Welcome to the club buddy.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 16, 2018
Me: What do you want to be for Halloween this year?
Can't say she's not mine.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) September 17, 2018